What if I made amends to Winn?

 What if I made amends? to Winn?

I was not a loving wife

I tried to be a dutiful wife, but I was not kind nor forgiving

I was acting under my own compulsion about marrying and having kids

I was using you

I did not give you a break or cut you slack

I did not recognize your good qualities including intelligence, and charm as well as a sense of fun 

I did not share my best with you. I did say many terrible, mean and hurtful things, probably every day; I certainly thought them every day. 

Your charm scares me

I do not want to get sucked in again

It's easier for me to be angry with you, condemn, and hate because that gives me a wall, it's not a boundary, it's a wall

The idea that we might be able to interact without pain worries me

Fortunately it seems that almost everything I say or every gesture I make you seem to experience as condemnation and rejection