I remember childhood

 Before Cayce

Now where does this go? I remember the man babysitter. Mother has gone off to be with other mothers. Alcohol may have been involved. And she left us in our home with this young man. I am small, so my two brothers are even smaller. This is before there was Cayce. This man babysitter had dark hair. He insisted I take a bath, even though it was not "bath night." He also had me draw pictures of a naked child. Or did he draw them? Because I was not good at drawing. The child had no hands. He said they were behind her back. Later there was fussing. Someone (not Mother) asked me questions about him.

Living at 362
After that we moved to Decatur, next door to Grandma! without Daddy. Mother was expecting Cayce. She would march up and down the hall in a big green and white polka-dot housecoat saying angry curse words. It was good to hide from her then. She let us roller-skate inside, in the hall, on the wood floors. It had something to do with being mad with Grandma.
There was one bedroom for all 3 of us kids. I had my beautiful blue double bed, and I don't remember my brothers' beds, but we were all in one room. Mother would come and read to us all at bedtime.
One time I had to get up and use the bathroom. When I came back in the room, Mother asked rather pointedly, did you remember to wipe? Of course I said yes; however, I sat in a chair and left a stain on it. She was mad at me. Again.
Was it during this time that I had mumps? They told me I had mumps and Grandma sat with me and nursed me. But Grandma had never had mumps, and she caught them from me and nearly died. That's what they said.
I remember, too, that I learned to sew. First it was sewing buttons onto the nice smelling little brown paper cups Grandma had saved up. She had so many buttons! Grandma gave me a crewel project. A linen map of the United States with the state flower of each state drawn on it. There were lots of colored threads. I was supposed to embroider the little flowers. Mother and Grandma wanted me to sew on it, but it was very hard, and I didn't do much of it. Too discouraging. I kept it, and sometime later I remember getting it out again, but still not feeling up to the task. I wonder what happened to it?
I remember running away from home, going next door to Grandma's. Grandma gave me some food to eat in the dining room, but I had to eat by myself. I remember the taste of the dry baby meat and the divided bowl. She and Granddaddy sat in the living room with the TV. She said I had to go home. I did not want to. When I got back, Mother had put my brothers in my bed! "I thought you had gone away," she said. I was so sad. I didn't know what to do.
Granny came to visit and Mother decided to have a birthday party in the front yard on the brick walk. There was a cake. And she set up a grill. It was rainy or drizzling. Nothing seemed to go right. Ricky was "sent into the house" for some reason. Then shortly I was also sent inside. I found Ricky slamming the glass door between the front room and the hallway. Open, slam! Open, slam! I was not putting up with that. Slamming the glass door was wrong. I told him to stop! Maybe more than once. Then I took action. "Oh no you don't!" I shouted and held out my hand to stop the door. The door did not stop. The glass broke, my arm went right through it, and my armpit was cut pretty badly.
I don't remember much after that, except there was a white room and a nice man who was going to get the glass out and sew me up. But after we got back home, there was more bleeding and riding back to the hospital with a towel under my arm.
Then Cayce came! A baby! a little red baby with black hair and something wrong with her belly button. Mother got mad when I asked about it. She would get mad if I tried to touch the baby. She fed the baby at her breast. But she was mad if I saw. And she had a little scar just under her own belly button. She was mad if I asked about that. She seemed to get mad about all the questions I asked, even if they weren't about her or the baby. Mad mad mad.
I remember when Daddy finally came home. I remember his "Major Hat." He had a new hat because he was promoted. I was so glad to see him. I thought it would all be better. But it wasn't.

Permanent Wave
I remember Mother making a big fuss about my hair. I remember "Lilt" permanent wave. There is much messing about and much waiting, but then! I have curly hair! Lots of curls all over my head. How glorious. But no, Mother starts to brush and brush to make a "page boy" bob. I do not like it. After she finishes one side, she stops. I ran to show Daddy my beautiful curls. I do not get the reception I had hoped for. There are no more permanent waves.

First School
The Rothery School is my first (or second?) school. My daddy takes me there. One day I started scratching his face. He tells me to stop, but I don't. When I see him that night, his face is all red, and I am ashamed. The Rothery School has teachers and nap time. I have slippers that are shaped like fire trucks. They are red. We have to lie down and be quiet at nap time. That is not always easy for me. Also there is drawing. I try to draw my family but all I can draw is circles with legs and the arms come out of the stick legs. It feels wrong.

There is another school, a kindergarten? I was not there long. I remember the glee I felt when I could hold a doll someone else wanted, and taunt him with it. He cried. There was trouble about that.

Grandma's House
Two summers I get to spend at my Grandma's house in Decatur. I remember rain while the sun is shining. She has a big garden full of pretty flowers. There is a tool shed where I am not allowed to go. There is a glass house full of plants where I am not allowed to go. There are cherry tomatoes that I love to eat right off the bush. There is a  little stream running through the garden and little bridges over it. My Granddaddy calls me a "scalawag." I am sure it is not good. He does not seem to approve of me. But my Grandma loves me. She lets me listen to the radio late at night. She lets me sleep in and miss church on Sundays. She has hundreds of tiny salt shakers and other small objects that I can play with. She offers to teach me how to plant and grow flowers but I refuse. I tell her "I wasn't born to work." Sometimes when she tells me something, I answer "Oh." She asks, "What do you mean by 'Oh'?" and I say "Just oh." It becomes something fun we say to each other.
Grandma has a big house, but she rents out parts of it to other people, so there are doors I am not allowed to open. Also the basement is dark, cool and dangerous. Grandma does laundry in the basement with a wringer machine and two huge tubs. She is worried I will get caught in the wringer. Just outside the basement door is a stone threshold. Twice I stub my toe on that stone and it bleeds. I remember marching up and down the hallway and the first part of the stairs trying to sing "Onward Christian Soldiers," but I cannot remember all the words and I get angry. She suggests I hum the tune, but I reject that. I want to be mad at myself. In that hallway is the phone with a small chair and table. The phone number starts "Drake 8." There is also a big bookshelf, but it is covered by a curtain, and I am not supposed to mess with it.
Grandma's kitchen has a big broom closet that smells dark and musty. She leaves the butter out on the counter, and I like to swipe a taste with my finger. That is not allowed, and she hides the butter. There is a big picture in the kitchen with a girl with red pigtails. It is an advertisement and the girl is my cousin Jessie. Between the kitchen and the dining room is a small nook with a table and two benches. That is where the Black people who work for Grandma eat lunch. The pantry is there as well. Grandma makes watermelon pickles. They are sweet and spicy. Granddaddy grows tomatoes and okra. He is very proud of his tomatoes. He likes to eat a spoonful of horseradish every day. Grandma makes biscuits too. They are so good with butter.
I remember the day an old Black man came to the back porch and knocked. I went to see and he said words, but I could not understand him. He had hardly any teeth. I kept saying "What?" and he kept repeating himself. Finally Grandma came, and she understood him. He wanted to clean the gutters. But she already had someone to do that.
I get to watch television at Grandma's house! My Little Margie and I Married Joan. There is a show with Suzy Parker and Cagey Calhoun. The Ted Mack Amateur Hour is very good. He has a barefoot dancer and someone who juggles plates. They advertise Geritol. Amos and Andy is funny. I remember The Kingfisher, he always has schemes, but he is terrified of his wife Sapphire. He usually tricks that very slow man called "Lightnin."
One time Grandma and I took the streetcar into town. I don't remember where we went or why. I remember coming back home. As the streetcar approached Grandma's house, I began to recognize the street, but Grandma was asleep. We went right past her house. She shortly woke up and was upset we had missed our stop. I don't remember how we got home. I felt guilty for not waking her.

Summer Activities

In the summer, when there is no school, my mother insists that I am signed up for activities. I must have overheard that I was too little for them. One was horseback riding. I was terrified of the huge horses. A big brown horse bit me. The gentlest one, they said. No more horses.
There is tennis. The racket belongs to my daddy. It is very heavy. I cannot do any of the simple tennis ball tricks of bouncing the ball with the racket on the ground or into the air. I try and try. I ride around on the shoulders of the teacher instead. That is fun.

California Dreaming
The house in California is painted in pastel colors, one for the downstairs, and one for the upstairs. There are several such buildings, and each one contains more than one apartment. We have neighbors. There is a parking lot, and in the middle there are trees growing. They are lime or lemon trees. We are not allowed to pick the green fruit. But we do. We get in trouble. When Daddy gets home, we all get a spanking. I forgive him, but my brothers do not. I cry and cry. He is sad as well. That is the only spanking I remember.
There is a swimming pool, and I am supposed to learn to swim and dive. There is a life-saving course. I think I passed.
One day across the path, there is a snake! It has a diamond pattern. I tell a grownup, possibly Mother, and there is much adult excitement, but no one else ever sees the snake, and I feel that no one believes me.
There is a girl, I think her name is "Love." She and I like to play together. I have a doll, it is Chinese or Japanese, with seven masks. I like to take it to her house and play with it. I also lick the doll's face off. This girl and I are intensely connected. Then I am forbidden to see her or go to her house. Ever. I try one time to disobey, but ... I don't know. I will never see her again.
Mother decides that the paint I have licked off the doll is poison and the doll is taken away. I will never see it again.
We have neighbors called "The Donnells." They have five kids, we have four. They are not our religion; I think they are Catholic. I play with daughters near my age. One game I really enjoy involves punishing the dolls. I remember such an intense feeling of joy and power! The Donnell girls do not like that game as much as I do. They stop coming over to play.
Hot dogs. I remember really enjoying hotdogs cooked on a grill! I eat a lot. In the night, without waking, I throw up all over my bed. Then I get cold and dream about a weiner dog biting me. Then I wake up. There is much todo about the mess.

Memories of school
There is a beautiful lady! We are in California. A beautiful lady with long white curly hair is teaching. She has colored chalks! Red, blue, yellow. She is showing us letters. There is A and then there is B. The B is Blue. B is for my name, Brent. But I am not allowed to stay; I have to leave the lovely lady and her colored chalks and learning to read.

Mayvelle Manor
The next school is in Virginia. It is always cold, gray and damp there. The little kids like me go to school in a little building back behind the real school, for grades one and two. The kids are dumb and mean and they don't like me. Neither does the teacher. One boy attacks me, and I get in trouble. But somehow, in spite of pain and trouble, I learn to read. This school is where I first see the Fairy Books. They come in colors and there is somewhere I can sit and read them. There is never enough time to read them all. They are wonderful.
In this place, we live on a small muddy road, near the end of the cul-de-sac. The road circles, and in the middle there is a machine or building. Maybe it is a well pump? something to do with water. Mother is unhappy. The house is small, and the tiny settlement is surrounded by woods. In the woods, a big kid, Frank, has built a treehouse. Frank's Fort. He has comic books and other treasures in it. It is his second building. There is also Frank's Old Fort. One day my brother John and I go looking for it. We get lost. We wander in the woods for a long time. I am afraid. He is whining. There is a road. There is a cliff with a view. Finally we wander back home. whew. I don't get in trouble.
In this place I have a dream. There is a giant doodle bug inside the house. It can barely fit through the doors, but it is coming after me.

More Virginia?
We are living in a Quonset hut on "the base." It is round. Mother decides now is the time to tell me about menstruation. That is not how I remember it, but piecing it together, I think the quiet private talk in the bathroom about blood and fear and my body...that is what it must have been. It makes no sense and I forget it as soon as possible.

The school on the base is better, it is brick and big. All the kids go in the same building. I go to second grade here. I start in the middle of the year. They put me in Ms. Morrison's room, and she seems nice...until. The first time I turn in a paper it is wrong. I have not put my name on it! I have curled the tails of the "g's." She holds it up for the whole class and loudly wants to know whose it is. I finally admit it is mine. Still some of the time she is nice, and school can be fun. I excel.
The school is named "John H. Russell," and I learn the song! It is sung like the Marine Corps Hymn. "From the halls of John H. Ruh-uhssell to the shores of Potomac Bay. We will fight our classroom baa-aatles with spitballs and dry clay! We will fight for right and freedom! And to keep our desks a mess! We are proud to claim the ti-itl of the teacher's little pests!" I sing it a lot. I like this song. There was a verse about rotten tangerines, too, I think.
There is a jungle gym like a ladder set horizontally on posts. I am all alone in this part of the playground. I can grab the rungs and move from one end to the other. It feels good. I do this all during recess. At the end the teacher sees my hands have big blisters. There is fussing, and I cannot use that equipment again.

But for third grade, another school. This one is small and white and seems somehow temporary. I do not know where to go. I cry. They line me up with the boys because my name is Brent. That makes me very sad and scared.
There is a Black kid in my class. For the first and only time until midway through high school. His name is Kenny. He seems nice, but I do not play with him.
In third grade we have a French teacher! We are all given "French" names. She decides my name is "Beatrice." Mother does not think Beatrice is a good substitute for Brent. She says Brent is French.  At some point, my name was changed to "Sue." That is my mother's name. If you could hear my father call her "Sue" you would know why that is awful.

Finally Quarters 811
We live up on a hill in a square, two-story white house with almost enough bedrooms. We have neighbors like ourselves, military with lots of kids. My parents have a bedroom and their own bathroom downstairs. There is a big bedroom for the boys. There is a tiny bedroom for me all by myself. My sister is given a place to sleep in a biggish room in the middle, where everybody walks. The bathroom is between the boys' room and Cayce's middle room.
Mother gives me a necklace with a pendant that is gold and pearl. I wear it constantly because it is pretty. The pearl comes out. Mother gets another one. It comes out. Mother gets a "real" pearl put in the necklace. It comes out and is lost. No more necklace.
I am given a little china cup and saucer with pretty flowers and leaves painted on it. Somehow it is broken. Daddy fixes it. It is broken again. It is taken away. Sixty years later, I find it in my parents' house. Glued together. I take it home. I'm not sure I want it, but it is mine.
I am given seeds for zinnias. I want to plant them. Mother thinks it is too soon, too cold, but I want to. So the seeds are planted, but the next morning there is frost on the ground. They never sprout.
I remember how the road goes up and up the hill. There is a kind of event space at the top. Someone says it is "SECON" for "Secretary's Conference." There was a big grownup party up there. There was a roast pig. Now we go up there sometimes to play. Until Johnny got stuck in the mud up to his armpits. Then we are not allowed.
I learn to ride a two-wheeler. I have my own bike. I it is blue. I love riding it. One day coming down a hill too fast, I cannot stop and hit a parked car very hard. I am okay, just a little hurt on my seater. I don't remember riding the bike after that.
There are woods and trails. Someone hung a rope swing on a big tree and it swung out far over a dip, so the swing is miles high! I fall out once and the breath is knocked out of me. I don't remember swinging again.
There are big boys who seem to like to roundup little kids to go with them on adventures. It feels dangerous! One time in the woods, under a big tree root, there is a copperhead. They mess with it with sticks. It starts to chase us! we run screaming in fear. It is fun. Never again.
People are always moving. We have a next door neighbor with a girl my age named Cheryl Card. She is very lovely and sophisticated. One time she started to get breasts! She showed me after I pestered her. Then she moved away.
One house was standing empty after the family moved away. Some of us found magazines left in the house. There were pictures of naked ladies in the magazines, so naughty. I remember the naked lady with the furry santa hat and mittens sitting on a cake of ice. ooo. Some grownup found out, tho, and the magazines went away.
I remember my brothers and I making up a potion we called "Scott Scarer" to drive away a little kid named Scott.
I remember painting a picture of Santa Claus that Mother put up in the back room where we have the TV. I remember how all the lawns in the neighborhood were really just one lawn. They would send men on huge mowers up and they would drive across everyone's yard. We were supposed to stay inside. We were also supposed to stay inside when they sprayed DDT for the mosquitoes. But we didn't. We would run outside in the vapors. They smelled funny, not as nice as the smell of gasoline, but not bad.

In Fourth grade, still in the little white building, our teacher is an Army WAC named Mrs. Baumgartner. She has a big bosom. When we pledge allegiance she has to place her hand below her big bosom. No one likes Mrs. Baumgartner. She is mean. We are learning long division. I cannot understand it, and I don't know why. I get in trouble a lot. Sometimes I am kept inside at recess for punishment with the other two bad kids, both boys. There is Charlie Rogers. He is fat, blond and nice. He brings Mad Magazine to school! it is wonderful! I want it. I want to read more of it. And there is a small, tough boy with a nickname. I wish I could remember. Possibly Scout, but maybe Rookie. Something short and tough like he is. I feel akin to these two outcasts.